What is your best "tool" for improving your relationship?

Often I have had clients come to me seeking new “tools” for improving their relationship. They may be in the beginning phase where it’s no longer the honeymoon period but perhaps starting to become more committed, a phase that can still be full of joy and good feelings, but also can start to feel a bit risky. The question they bring might be how can we keep all the good things we are experiencing but also deal with some of the more challenging parts of our partner’s that we are starting to notice?  Or another circumstance may be that a couple have been together for years but are tired of being stuck in the same repetative pattern that is not destroying their relationship but is certainly having a negative impact.  

When I am asked for tools I interpret that to mean that the client would like some specific steps that are clear and easy to follow, and will be effective in a relative short time frame for addressing the problematic behaviours of the other partner.  

Whilst I do have some great tips and advice for improving communication, the best tool that a person can have in a relationship is personal insight. Or in other words, a deeper understanding of themselves and who they are in the context of their intimate relationship. What is it about their partner that pushes their buttons and how do they respond back? What is the model they were shown by their family growing up and how does that impact the type of partner they are now and their expectations of the other? What is their relationship history and how might they be impacted by past memories? 

It’s not always comfortable and it’s not always a fast approach, but I believe it’s the best for achieving long term change. Relationship expert and author Esther Perel says that it takes two people to make a pattern and one person to change it. By taking your focus off the other and putting it onto yourself you can start to feel more empowered and in control of your thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Awareness is the greatest tool for change but of course a few hot tips on how to voice your needs better doesn’t go astray either.